Injustice for all. Land of incarceration.

This is just a quick little bit I wrote up while on the subject of jail. I figured I’d touch base just on my experience in my beginnings of the system, and how the legal side operates.

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 So aside from jail being an already horrible place to be stuck inside of, the entire system that it revolves around is completely fucked up just as well which in turn I think has an effect throughout the entire spectrum of the system which is really the seed of the instability we see everywhere. This is supposed to be where people who are “innocent until proven guilty” are held. Inmate’s are either awaiting trial or have been sentenced for short periods by the state for minor shit like not paying traffic tickets or screwing up on probation. There’s also the large majority who get booked-in, and have high bails & can’t bond out of jail so they sit for sometimes months at a time just to go before a judge. You’re presented a plea bargain by the state where you have the option of admitting complete guilt to your crime & are offered a suspended/deferred sentence, and a get-out-of-jail card. This is the insanity of the system. This is where thousands of people succumbed to the horrors of jail being taken away from your family, and probably losing your job- are faced with the opportunity of denying their constitutional rights to a trial.

 “So what about those who are innocent? Meh!! Argument is null! Nothing to see here folks!……Just a bunch of poor, broke idiots who could NEVER be innocent, right?”

Sorry that was my attempt at sarcasm. So my point is, a large portion of people who actually have a chance at beating their case because they didn’t actually commit that crime end up just shrugging & taking the plea deal. They’re thinking “Well its just probation. And I get out of jail today?!” These are everyday people who miss their families, and have an actual life outside of these cages who just want to get home. If you cannot afford a lawyer you receive a public defender who is always so damn busy that they barely get a chance to meet with you. Ive seen people go months without seeing their attorney sitting in jail with no one on the outside they can get ahold of to find out about their case so theyre stuck in limbo until they get an answer. Often time’s if the jail is ran like this one in particular that I’m referring to, the guards fucking suck & will at times ignore your request’s for things like information on your case. I’ve even see people wait for months only to meet their attorney on their day of court 5 minutes before their due before the judge. But it’s also exactly  what happened to me…….

 

I had been in for several months. I would talk about taking my case to trail constantly over the phones(which they monitor/record). From the end of the first month when I was due in court for the very first time they continued it off for another month, then again & again…..3 months past, still no court, still haven’t seen my public defender. What the fuck right? That’s how the system plays the game. Then once you’re distraught from the wait you finally go to court which is one hell of a fucking fiasco. Hundreds of inmates chained together, thrown into holding cells cramped so bad you’re literally body to body piled up, nutts to ass crammed. Everyone stinks, it’s hot & its musty. It’s fucking hell. So you’re jam-packed with tons of other inmate  in these tiny holding cells where you wait for hours before the vans come to run you down to the courthouse from the jail. Finally after a very claustrophobic-ass ride, and waiting several hours just to be put in said van, you’re taken into the holding cells in the basement under the court building. The tanks in here are a little more spacious. Hours pass, and inmates are called on individually to go see the judge. It was just 30 minutes before 5pm which is when court ends. I thought “Oh here we go, another continuance. Another month stuck in this fucking shit hole.” then my name was called. “Finally!!” I thought half scared to death/half excited to finally get something in motion!

 

The lawyer has me sit down. It’s a young woman which I thought was weird because I’d received one statement in the mail from my PD while sitting in jail stating he was my attorney so this couldn’t be him? She says “Hello Mr. Opiate Junkie, I’m your attorneys assistant. He’s out sick so I had to fill in & I just got the last few minutes to look over your casework for the first time.” I didn’t say anything. I just nodded my head with utter despair. Like holy shit?? It’s so bad that my attorney who I’m supposed to lean on for all the legal jargon guidance they can muster and she doesn’t even know my goddamn case let alone she’s not even my actual fucking attorney! She laid out a fuck-ton of documents. It was so tantalizing. Here were all these documents, and I’m just shook with nerves. The assistant-attorney goes on to tell me I’d been offered a few years probationary sentence with some fee’s, and classes I had to take. I would get out of jail that day. With a child already, and another on the way what would come to your mind?

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I took the deal, and it was the worst mistake of my life. The probation structure has been a nightmare upon itself. First & foremost I’d be pushed back out of jail without a job, and a fresh new label I’ve been stamped with that I didn’t really imagine or contemplate how much it would affect my life. I was quickly brought before the judge after very hastily accepting the plea offer & signing the documents. In that moment of signing these papers everything  had felt so tense. A lot of nerves were firing off, and I was in a complete fog of anticipation that when hearing I’d get out of jail THAT day I had my mind made up already. We only had minutes until court was over with for the day, and my little assistant defender ever reminded me to make my choice fast because we only had a few moments. If I didn’t decide quick enough then my court date would have probably been postponed for another month again. The system is so backed up with cases that they rarely schedule anything quickly. Basically I felt pushed into it without the time or chance to really reflect on all aspects of what I was doing…..

 

Probation alone isn’t easy, but when you’re an addict like me who has a life that can dive into chaos fairly quick its almost impossible to sustain. In all my years of addiction which is around 8 years since I was technically dependent on opiates after being strewn through the legal system my life had spun out of control much worse than it had ever before. The pressure that comes with those obligations when you’re pretty much kicked to the gutter with only the clothes on your back after literally everything is lost due to incarceration. There are only so many avenues of hope that arise from these situations. The main focus I’m trying to convey to all of you who read this is this isn’t just happening to me. This happens everyday in court rooms all across America. Everyday citizens, even those who aren’t strung out junkies like me, are having their personal rights stripped from them & are being basically coerced into signing their lives away. We need more awareness on such subjects.

Lady Liberty is blind for a reason folks….She doesn’t want to see the unbalanced corrupt system in front of her. My point here that maybe I didn’t quite touch base on all aspects, is this entire thing is essentially ran on nothing but money, and no moral sense of justice anywhere. The highest bidder has the easiest dealing with the machine. A rich guilty man is going to have a lot smoother of a time being fed into the jaws of the system than a broke innocent man whose just gonna get chewed up and spit right back out only to be fed back into it over and over again. Are you loaded with dough? Get in trouble? Hire a fancy lawyer who will run into the DA(Someone he has a good relationship with)prosecuting your case in the elevator, and he’ll offer him/her to a game of golf or a steak dinner to get a reduced sentence for his client.

 

Merica’ Where we have 25% of the worlds prison population. More incarcerated than any other country COMBINED. And this is the land of the free? Our system is just a sugarcoat for modern-day slavery. It isn’t slavery in a racial sense anymore. It’s the slavery of the lower-class. Class warfare being waged, and not an ounce of its people even slightly aware.

 

Money folks……..Money……….

 

Cha-Ching

 

Goodnight..

 

 

Oxycontin Investigation – A Pulitzer for LA Times?

th-1. . . . A TIMES INVESTIGATION . Inside an L.A. OxyContin ring that pushed more than 1 million pills. What the drugmaker knew . By HARRIET RYAN, LISA GIRION AND SCOTT GLOVER . JULY 10, 2016 . This LA Times investigative report by Ryan, Girion and Glover is now a contender for Pulitzer Award. […]

via Oxycontin Investigation – A Pulitzer for LA Times? — Pain Management Specialist in San Diego & La Jolla

Purdue pharma is a corporation that has profited off the blight of addiction for years now. They are well aware of their undoing of many many thousands of lives, and are the sole entity at fault for the current ongoing epidemic. They settle in millions for thousands of lawsuits on an ongoing basis because they know what they’ve done. They marketed this drug as “Non-habit forming”. Doctors dispensed it like Pez candy. What is Oxycontin? It’s the term coined for “Oxycodone-continuous release” And is the drug numero Uno that decimated my entire generation before we were even out of High School. I cannot count on my hands & fingers anymore of all those close to me that are passed away now stemming from overdose, let alone those who were just acquaintances. Though most of us graduated to Heroin, and so on….It all started with Oxycontin. More people need to know about the injustices going on with the big pharmaceutical corporations. I plan to touch base on here with a lot of relative information concerning this topic. Cheers.

The harbinger of certain doom.

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“The world is so unpredictable. Things happen suddenly, unexpectedly. We want to feel we are in control of our own existence. In some ways we are, in some ways we’re not. We are ruled by the forces of chance and coincidence.”– Paul Auster

 

Hello everyone. I hope everyone had a good Holiday! I apologize for my hiatus life has been rather hectic, and I’m just now able to get back on here to put up some more entries. I really plan to build this blog up to the best of my ability with what I’d like to format into a book of sorts that will be in a chronological order once I sort the mess of memories I have inside this ravaged mind 🙂 So anyhow here is the 2nd excerpt for my previous post.

Thanks for reading!

Part 2. A continuation from my last entry

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So we left off at the crossroads in this little box of reality that happened in my life.  There were three of us, and soon I’d find myself alone,& locked away from society. So originally there were 4 of us, but one went to jail & we lost our vehicle because it was his car we were using to get around everywhere. I wound up having enough cash to put a down payment on a car for lease. We had lived stealing from corporations for months,and staying in various cheap motel/hotel type places. Everyday we’d wake up clocking into the 10-15 hour work day that was “Boosting”. We’d swipe various merchandise from different department stores. It was a job in every sense. We had to make enough for the three of us all to get our fair share, and the goal was to not only be well but to be faded evermore. It’s insane really to look back on these days. I developed a sort of conscience where I lived outside myself, with no restraints from fear. I learned a sort of “Zen” state while I had to steal to get by. It may sound corny to you, but it’s a big deal putting your life, freedom & liberties on the line every day just to live & obtain the particular poison you felt compelled to have. Whether it was going into a certain big-box electronics store and lifting the latest game system or pricey laptop or it was grabbing $100 pairs of jeans off the shelf of a clothing store, I would go into a “zone” of sorts. From the moment of entering the store to the act of the “boost” I’d evoke a sort-of calm inside myself & clear my mind of any unwarranted thoughts that might restrain me and bring about fear.  Sometimes I was literally grabbing big ticket items, with prices enough to warrant a grand larceny charge, and I would casually walk out waving to employees at the door as if I’d just bought the merch. This was successful on several occasions. Other times I was concealing things in my pants or what have you.

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Everyday  we’d each make enough to get us by relatively comfortably, and things stayed that way for a few months but all things come to pass eventually. I remember it was one evening after an entire day of garbling down Xanax bars, that my 2 friends had came back to our Hotel and I had told them I was gonna have the car(Which we all shared)for the evening. I had no idea what I was doing. I think I was trying to talk my ex into seeing a movie with me or some other wild thing that sprung up in my mind in a state of benzo-induced delirium. I wound up finding myself driving around, and not finding anything to do. I must have just been too fucked up and really not having any real point going out alone that night. I pulled into a McDonald’s to use their free WiFi. I had brought a long my backpack with my laptop, and because my cellphone was just shut off I had borrowed one of my friend’s phones in case I needed to get ahold of the pair, or them get ahold of me. Anyhow I’m sitting inside McDonald’s completely out of my head, and surfing Facebook hitting people up to find something to do when this girl approached me. She looked homely as hell like she’d been outside for a few days without a shower/bath. I could sense it with a glance, I’d been there myself.

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So this girl she asks me, “Hey you want any clear??”. If you readers aren’t aware “Clear” Is Meth, Dope, Go-Fast, Amphetamines, Ice, Crystal….A drug that has never agreed with me very well & even so I’ve still abused to the brink of insanity. I think I told her something like twenty or thirty cents would be cool, and she asked if I’d break her off so I was like yeah sure, whatever. I just wanted something to do! This whole scenario is the building blocks for disaster. I’m already out of my mind fucked up on benzos/Heroin & I’m out driving with a suspended license like a jack ass, and here I am meeting strangers in a McDonald’s going to buy crystal meth with them. What could go wrong right? So we get to the spot, and her guy comes out to the car and does the deal. I break her off, we do our thing, and I drive back to the McDonald’s where I met this chic & everything is peachy..….I thought……Until I went to reach around the back seat for my backpack and it wasn’t there. I’m in the midst of delirium here. I said “Where the fuck is my bag?” The girl says “Oh you put it in the trunk just before we left McDonald’s. I said “Oh shit I must have forgot……” My dumb ass gets out in the blistery cold snow-flurry filled night to pop the trunk, and at that specific moment the girl jumps out of the passenger seat running at a lightning-fast pace across the street. I’m puzzled like wtf? Okay? I guess she had to get outta here. Instantly I look around if there’s cops because I figured she might have saw something, and just didn’t care enough to say shit. No cops……

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I look back toward the girl, shes continuing to run still at full speed down a neighborhood street, and I notice shes on the phone. I come to my senses and look into the trunk, and BAM it’s empty. Right then I knew what had happened, and recognized the hump under the girls jacket was my backpack. I just got robbed at a fucking McDonalds by some strange girl because I’m a jack ass! I attempted a chase but I got to the edge of the parking lot, and saw multiple police cars coming toward the McDonald’s so I backed away and went back to the car. I knew what was going on. She had been on the phone calling the cops on me, and to put icing on the cake that was also my friends cell phone she swiped along with my backpack which contained my laptop, my ID, my social & my birth certificate along with cash and etc. She got me good, plain & simple. She milked me like an expired dairy cow, RAW! The cops swing into McDonalds & everything happens so damn fast. “Get on the ground! Hands on your head! GET DOWN!” I complied. I tried to give the officers the story from my point of view, but they weren’t having it. Not one of them listened to me or believed that I had been robbed blind. She’d called and told them there was an intoxicated man acting belligerent in a McDonalds parking lot who looked like he was about to get in his car and drive. Luckily I hadn’t started the car or got back in it when they got there. I told them I was intoxicated, but I was waiting on my friends to come & they would be driving me and the car back. They didn’t let me go. I fell over on my ass during the sobriety line test so they hauled me off to jail. At least they didn’t tow the car. I guess as I was getting booked into the jail my two friends were getting worried, and tried to call me in which that girl answered telling them she had just bought the phone off of me for a small price. So right then she triggered my friends into thinking I hawked their fucking cheap ass prepaid phone for whatever reason, They didn’t know to think otherwise so I can’t blame them.

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As you & everyone in the US knows, County jail is no fun whatsoever, but it doesn’t help when you’re being booked into one of the worst ones in the nation….

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So this jail, which is on the top 10 list for bad conditions, etc…It is the most decrepit, foul & gloomy places anyone can ever be sent to. So many deaths, and other unconstitutional happenings going on in this facility. The federal government wanted to move forward with charges against this county for the jail being in such a steamy pile of shit, but were negotiated to lay off of them for 2 more years while they try and pull their heads from their asses to get this situation fixed.  These places are usually worse off than our actual prison institutions where an inmate goes after being sentenced. In county jail you’re treated worse than dogs. They’re majorly understaffed, underfunded & with exist with decaying infrastructure . Another massive issue across the country is the overcrowding problem that crams 3 or possibly 4 adult men into a cell the size of a closet 24 hours a day most days because they’re too understaffed to let inmates out for “recreation” for 1 hour a day, or let alone take a simple shower. I once went 17 days straight without being allowed the chance to take a shower in this particular jail, a particular HELL on Earth…………Which deserves a story on its own merit.

 

To be continued…

Send me the hope I need so that I can face this struggle…….

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Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you all are having a great Holiday today, and are nice & cozy with your families eager to eat the big meal! I figured I’ll post an entry today that is focused on a recent time in my life that has finally come to pass, though I do realize it’s only one step in a certain direction that I am right back in that position again ie- Homeless & Strung out.

 

Part 1.

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So I’ll try to set the picture for you. The tree’s around have all since died, and overcast skies are the norm. It’s bitterly cold outside with temperatures in the 30’s dropping to below freezing at night, and a strong Oklahoma wind blowing all around. It’s hard to stay warm especially the hands. I never realized how important gloves are until I was homeless during the winter months, and around this specific place in time I had lost one of the gloves out of the relatively shitty pair I had owned so I’d keep one hand in a pocket at all times whilst being in the elements. During this horrible area of my life I hardly spoke to anyone unless it was someone I was going to score dope with or my dealer. I was ashamed, embarrassed & being stuck in this position in the hometown you grew up in was an absolute nightmare . How did I end back up in this situation? Life just isn’t so simple….

 

My longtime on again-off again love of my life & mother of my two sons was not speaking to me at all at the time. It was hopeless. I made a couple of wrong decisions, and kept finding myself in this predicament and it all stems from is picking up drugs again after a stint of trying the sober route. My love, she wouldn’t put up with my use at all anymore so if I had fallen on weak minded-ends & wound up using she would cut me out completely, and rightly so as she was on her own path of sobriety & if she had kept me around, I know very well I’d have ruined that for her. It’s really hard to explain what goes through the addicted mind to pick drugs back up again after consecutive months of being clean, and getting your life back on track. I had a home again, the person I loved most back in my life, and my kids whom I love more than anything back in my arms. The mindset of an addict is bonkers. I have a problem with constantly downplaying any success going for me in my life, and have a lot of insecurities boiling down to manic episodes & bouts of depression. I was on an opioid maintenance medication called Suboxone which covered me fairly decent. I had no cravings to use any opioids/opiates, and I was able to piece my life back together. After being at the lowest point, and having everything going for me again along with having my family back how could I let myself slip again like this? I have one word: Rationalization. I was working 12 hour shifts, and was always tired & stressed to the gills really not giving myself any credit whatsoever, and here would come along someone from work or whatever offering me some Xanax. I’d think “Well, I could buy a dozen or so of these and just take them as you would a prescription. Just a therapeutic dose would be fine, I won’t go overboard with it.” But as an addict this sort of a thing just doesn’t hold true, and with the everyday stress & anxiety I would downplay it, and justify it as an okay choice.

 

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It never works that way. I’d buy some of those Benzo’s, and my girlfriend would INSTANTLY know, she knows me so well it’s scary. Even over the phone if I’d taken just a half milligram of a Xanax she could tell the sudden change in my voice immediately. I would deny it of course, an addict never admits any sort of guilt. That only made things worse, and I’d end up being thrown out of the house with nowhere to go & no one I could call. At this point, I was out of contact with my family which is something I will cover in future post’s. So what did I end up doing? Calling old using buddies. These weren’t typically “real friends”. Sure there were plenty of whom I grew up with that wound up an addict just the same, but we only ever spoke when we were getting high together and doing things junkies do like hooking each other up or hustling not to mention screwing each other over- That’s a BIG one. You  see, to sort-of tie things together in this entry, I was living a constant cycle/pattern for years. I would have months of clean-time which were always the happiest, best times of my life but I could never quite keep myself away from slipping up again. So I’d relapse & end up homeless with no hope in the world living everyday chasing the next high….

 

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So it’s been a few months now since the relapse with Xanax, and we’re just about back to where I began this story- Winter. I’d stopped taking the Suboxone I was prescribed, and started selling them as soon as my girl pushed me out of the house. I picked up Heroin just a few days after that incident. It doesn’t take long before you’re back in a deep, dark pit of what I call “The Shadows”. It’s a desolate, empty & wicked place you wind up in when you’re deep in addiction especially with a substance like Heroin. The black tar that was on the streets at this time had become a lot more potent than it was in recent years. Mexico had started cultivating it’s own Opium which has increased the potency of street heroin by 30%.  My arms were quickly scarred again with track marks that I was so proud of vanquishing from my body after being sober. My tolerance quickly skyrocketed, and I was doing an upwards of 3 solid grams a day which if you’re familiar with this drug, is a lot. I found myself in the beginning with 3 friends of mine living from Hotel to Hotel, and doing various illegal act’s to raise money for our daily fix, and our nightly room fair. I will touch base on a lot more of these various days later on because there was a lot going on throughout this time together, but it all came to an abrupt end when the only one of us with a vehicle was arrested for boosting or shoplifting from Walmart, and his parents came & got the car. So me & the other two were stuck on foot, broke and no where to go stuck out in the Winter weather.

 

It’s always nice to have someone to keep company with if you find yourself stuck on the street’s. It can be a real lonely worrisome world when you’re alone. We’d literally go up and down the freeway to different stores boosting expensive items & pawning or selling the items to someone we’d find on Craigslist. Most of these days were spent sitting inside McDonald’s or whatever fast-food place we could find that wouldn’t mind us sitting inside for hours at a time even if we didn’t have money to eat. This was no easy feat. Sometimes there would be a manager on shift that was very kind, and would give us free food if we couldn’t afford any & would let us chill in the warmth during the overnight hours when it was most cold, but then you had the few managers who just would not put up with it. Even if we had money to buy something to eat, if we were in there after a few hours they’d threaten to call the cops if we didn’t leave so we didn’t want none of that and would be forced out in the cold trying to find the next place we could try and warm up inside of.

It wasn’t very long until the Trio broke apart, and I was alone which is where I was at at the beginning of this entry.

To be continued……….

( I apologize if this was a little all over the place. I’m new to this sort of thing, and although I do like to write I haven’t had a lot of experience writing personal happenings of my own so please bare with me as I grow.) Thanks for reading! I will be continuing this entry very quickly either this evening or by early Tomorrow. Happy Holidays!

 

 

 

 

There is nothing romantic about addiction.

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Well I guess this is where I say hi………This is going to be my new platform for experiences or situations that have happened(or are happening) during my life as an addict. This isn’t trying to glorify this lifestyle because there is nothing glorious about it. It involves a lot of pain, but I am one that tries to see the bright-side of many situations. I consider myself to be an opiate addict although, I cannot say that I did not or have not indulged in many other drugs during my time. But as far as dependency opiates take the cake. I’ll be back to post more very soon, possibly tonight or tomorrow during the Holiday. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Many nod’s to you all.